Tuesday, May 15, 2007

What the Shell You Lookin' At?


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) – “It won the Oscar” “Really, for what?” “Best movie ever.” – Talladega Nights. I haven’t seen this movie in nearly fifteen years, but in my mind it's one of the top ten comic book movies ever made. (See right down there at #9!!!). Here's why: They made this movie without CGI and it didn't look crappy. The turtle costumes were created and animated by the legendary Jim Henson Muppet Company. That in itself is reason enough to at least respect this movie. Nobody wouldn’t even try to make this movie today as a live action work. Also this movie had the voice talents of Corey Feldman, one of the finest thespians of the go-go 80s. He strung together a hit streak of films only Tom Cruise, Will Smith and Tom Hanks would go on to rival.

Beginning in 1984 with his appearance in Friday the 13th IV, he went on to make some of the greatest films in the history of motion pictures, nay, in the history of human achievement. I submit the following body of work or oeuvre if you will (always use the fancier word when you want to emphasis how important $#!t is): Gremlins (1984), Friday the 13th V (1985), The Goonies (1985), Stand by Me (1986), The Lost Boys (1987), License to Drive (1988). Four of those movies went on to win Nobel Prizes and one developed a vaccine for cancer I believe. What did they all have in common? The Feldman. Ipso facto (Latin is keen!), TMNT is at least a very good movie.

Now I don't remember the details of the film, but I do recall Raphael being a brooding bad-@$$, Michaelangelo making a lot of pizza jokes and a lot of ninjas getting beat down. That sounds to me like the recipe for a classic film.

1. Batman Begins
2. X-Men 2
3. Spider-man 2
4. Batman
5. Superman II
6. Superman
7. Blade
8. X-Men
9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
10. Sin City

Monday, May 7, 2007

Overheard In Brooklyn...

“You know Hillary’s gonna win the election? You know that right? It was a prediction by Nostradamus. You know that right?”

-Some guy walking down my block in Crown Heights, dead-@$$ serious.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Spidey 3 -- Uh, It's Not Superman III?


I like Sam Raimi. I really do. A Simple Plan? Minor classic of the genre. Evil Dead Trilogy? Still watch at least one of those movies every year. But this third installment of Spider-man? What the hell? How can such a competent director make such bad decisions? Has the stench of the Batman sequels dissipated so much that we have forgotten their lessons of exactly what not to do in a comic book movie?

Rule no. 1: K.I.S.S. – Keep it simple stupid! You’ve got way too many subplots swirling around in this thing – Sandman and his sick daughter, Peter and MJ’s relationship troubles, the Brock rivalry, the son of Green Goblin rivalry…argh, my head hurts. And so you set all this stuff up and manage to wrap it all up, but then everything gets short shrift. I am displeased.

I got the sense that he had this unwieldy script and tried to do the best he could. But Sam, you’ve got the best performing comic franchise ever! Stretch it out! You have material for two movies here.

You’ve got the symbiote-suit, so run with it. You didn’t need to use Venom in this movie. You could have shown Brock getting hooked up w/ the suit at the end, but we didn’t need to see an entire Venom arc especially handled so poorly (and BTW Topher Grace makes a great Brock, but he’s given so little to work with).

So that’s strike one with that and then we get Saccharine-man AKA Sandman robbing banks to save Tiny Tim. WTF? Why can’t a villain just be bad? Strike two!!

Then you’ve got dark/emo-Petey which I actually liked, but again it falls to the wayside too quickly. You had something there; why not run with it? Ball one.

Also, how much did this franchise gross worldwide? Why aren’t you hiring WETA to do the SFX? These graphics are utter shite. Spidey looks fake; Venom looks fake; Sandman looks sporadically fake…everything looks like a rubber action figure. That’s three.

So other than that, it’s great!

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Bjork gave me an Ear-rection



Four years ago on Coney Island I had one of my all-time favorite concert going experiences. It left me exhilarated and completely exhausted. For two hours me and a couple of thousand people danced and sang along with Bjork Guðmundsdóttir and we all left feeling like the world ain't too bad a place.

Such is the power of the Icelandic nymph.

Bjork is the most important musical artist of the late twentieth century. There is no single artist or group that can match the fierce intelligence of her songwriting combined with the alien beauty of her voice. The soundscapes she chooses to inhabit are equally complex and peculiar. Compositions tend to be amalgamations of electronica, R&B and pop that make her at once indefinable and accessible. I suppose she’d be defined as pop, but when her work is taken as a whole, it seems to transcend the genre (and really all genres).

I find most modern songs about romance to be mawkish and simple-minded. Singers coo “ooh baby” a hundred times and furiously emote about how horny somebody makes them or how they were hurt when such-and-such was seen at the movies with so-and-so. This problem extends beyond the teeny-bopper pop tarts from whom this type of pabulum is expected. There is a dearth of popular artists making really intelligent music (I hear the Arcade Fire’s not too shabby, but they’re “NYC/L.A.-popular” which is a different kind of popularity).

Bjork manages to make love songs that are deeply personal yet devoid of sentimentality. And she is a woman very in touch with her own sexuality. Her songs make voyeurs out of her listeners. Excerpt from “Cocoon” off Vespertine: “He slides inside/half-awake, half-asleep/we faint back into sleephood/when I wake up the second time/in his arms gorgeousness/he’s still inside me.” She aspirates half of the lyrics increasing the sensuousness almost to the point of discomfort for the listener (the song still makes me blush after countless listenings). Or take these lyrics from Possibly Maybe: “Mon petite vulcan/Your eruptions and disasters/I keep calm/Admiring your lava/I keep calm”
and “Since we broke-up/I’m using lipstick again/I suck my tongue/In remembrance of you.” Wow.

Another note about her lyrics: they don’t rhyme. That might not seem like a huge deal, but I think it is. It forces the listener to really engage with the song, because you can’t anticipate what is going to be said next. This makes multiple listenings far more rewarding than the average pop song (at least to me).

As for the concert:

The concert was the equivalent of being invited into a painter’s studio. Half the songs she performed were from the upcoming album, Volta. Some worked, some really worked and others didn’t connect with me. Yet, the experience was never less than fascinating. She opened with her new single Earth Invaders, a hyperkinetic sugar rush of a song. The accompanying horn/vocal section (all female; each played a horn and sang) was (we were told at the end of the set) a group from Iceland.

There was clarity in her voice, still as powerful as ever. It filled Radio City Music Hall and at times sent shivers to my spine. (She always elicits laughs from the audience when she utters her mouse-like “thank you” after completing each song.) When she let loose with songs like “Pluto”, the place just erupted (during songs like that and “Army of Me”, I really wished the concert was outdoors or in a place like the Roseland so you could feel the entire audience reacting to the music).

Bjork brought out a few guests to help her perform the new material. Most were musicians playing an instrument specific to the given song. One was a fellow vocalist who I believe was named Anthony. Anthony and Bjork performed a very awkward duet. I’ll reserve judgment for the song until I hear it on the album, but the performance left a little to be desired. I forgave the song for not working, because it was so amusing to watch Bjork interact with another vocalist. It was like watching two kids at a high-school talent show. For most of the song they were trying to coordinate their dance movements which consisted of both swaying back and forth as if about to slamdance with each other (in fact the swaying got so pitched that Anthony started jumping up and down like some kind of over-excited Labrador; weirdest shite I’ve ever seen).

There was a generous helping of songs from all her albums save Selma Songs. The stage was full of equipment and attention-grabbing devices (lasers, projection screens, flags…), but it never took away from her presence. My eyes stayed fixed on her most of the time, intrigued by her complete submersion into the songs.

The only gamble that didn’t pay off for me was the performance of certain songs from Medulla, the album composed with mostly human vocals. A song like “Where Is The Line” needs that ethereal vocal arrangement to be effective. Conventional instruments substituted in for all the creative vocal pyrotechnics did not do the song justice.

The set was short and sweet. She finished in roughly 1 hr and 20mins including encore. The crowd would have loved to stick around for another hour easily. I can’t really compare this concert to the other one I saw four years ago. I enjoyed the Coney Island concert, because it was a completely visceral experience. This concert I enjoyed in a different capacity. It gave a glimpse into how the mind of one of my favorite artists works.

Required Bjork listening:
Venus as a Boy – Debut
Human Behavior - Debut
It’s Oh So Quiet – Post
Army of Me – Post
Possibly Maybe – Post
Joga – Homogenic
Unravel – Homogenic
Bachelorette – Homogenic
Pagan Poetry – Vespertine
Heirloom – Vespertine
Oceania – Medulla
Where is the Line - Medulla

Kneel Before Zod


After seven years of not having a television to call my own, I've jumped back into the fray. Behold the beauty of the Samsung 32" LCD Enthrall-atron 5000 and the Onkyo Cacophonator X-3.14. I also copped a nice little upscaling DVD player (not sold on Blu-Ray or HD just yet). I finished off my set-up with a nice selection of speakers and a subwoofer after doing some research on an A/V forum (Bose is apparently a very despised brand).

Initial tests indicate that this thing will rock even the most jaded eyes and ears. People complain about living in the hood, but one of the unmentioned benefits is that your neighbors are usually loud and this remains true during all hours of the day and night. Yes, when you want to just get some good sleep after coming home from a hard workday, it can be frustrating to hear somebody blaring the reggae version of "This Is Why I'm Hot" out of a system that N.O.R.E. would describe as "garbation" roughly ten times straight. However that also means you won't feel guilty for watching Casino Royale with the volume set high enough to fill an AMC stadium-seating theater at 2am on a Wednesday.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Mr. Kettle? You have a call on line one...


Okay, enough already! Let’s get something straight: Imus’s comments were deplorable (and clearly racially insensitive), but the furor over this situation is not only disproportionate but misguided. The hypocrisy of our so-called black leadership is so glaringly obvious that I'm far more upset with those who are "outraged" than with Don Imus. I’m not even talking about Jackson’s past experience with carelessly flung epithets or Sharpton’s inability to apologize for past transgressions. I’m talking about the continued attack against straw men such as Michael Richards and now Don Imus. Being outraged at Imus is like being mad at somebody for pissing in the sewer. Yeah, it's wrong, but let's keep it in context. Do you know what outrages me? This:


Guilty of being rich, black and famous? Are you out of your fracking minds? He's a prick who got caught "making it rain" in a pre-Pac-Man Jones kind of way on an underage girl. Yet he's also got one of the hottest songs in the nation which gets played roughly 478 times per hour on most local R&B/Hip-hop stations. A sampling of the fine lyrics:
Ima Ima Ima Ima flirt
Thats right I tell the truth and the whole truth
When it come to hoes I be pimpin like I supposed to,
rollin em like I supposed to, shinin like I supposed to
In the club fuckin wit honeys like I supposed to
I dont understand when a nigga bring his girlfriend to da CLUB
Creepin all ova the floor wit his girlfriend in da CLUB
And wonder why all these playas tryna holla at her
Just soon as she go to the bathroom nigga Ima holla at her
A dog on the prowl when im walkin through the mall
If I could man I would probably flirt wit all of yall
Yea- yea homie you say she yo girlfriend
But when I step up to her, Ima be like tarzan
Believe me man this is how dem playas do it in the CHI
In plus we got them playette foolers in the CHI
Now the moral of the story is cuff yo bitch
I'm black, handsome, I sing, cause im rich and Ima flirt


Of course this has been the case for a while now. This is nothing new, not by any stretch. Yet, here we are picketing outside of CBS radio. What about the dozens of Hot 97-style Hip-hop/R&B stations that put this kind of crap in heavy rotation 365/24/7? From L.A. to ATL to NYC, we get inundated with this and call it a part of our "culture." "Well parents need to monitor what their kids listen to!" Oh yeah? Between music videos, radio, magazine covers (is every magazine some variation of Maxim or what?) and not to mention the internet, it is nigh impossible for a parent to act as a filter for all the garbage kids get exposed to. Hell what am I talking about kids? Garbage that we get exposed to. The Spartans faced better odds in '300'. The point is with all the huge targets out there, we pick on a frail geriatric cowboy whose target audience are the type of people who cried when they heard Strom Thurmond died.

You can't pretend people such as Michelle Malkin don't have a point when they highlight these double standards. (Man, how screwed is our 'leadership' when I find myself agreeing with the likes of Michelle Malkin?). Reading the message boards of popular sites like digg and fark which have predominately young white male audiences, it's funny how quickly they can point out how farcical this whole thing has been. The most common thought is that Imus made a horrendous joke, but if you're going to single him out, then go after the worst offenders as well.

So Sharpton and his ilk are probably patting themselves on the back for getting Imus canned from MSNBC and probable further even worse repercussions from CBS. But to quote the Wolf: "Let's not start sucking each other's *!@#$ just yet." 99% of black folks (Dept. of Unverifiable Statistics) either don't listen to Imus or even knew who he was prior to this incident.

What's been accomplished? After the Richard's flap I heard all this hand-wringing about how we'd abolish the 'n'-word from public discourse, yet a couple of months later I attended Cedric the Entertainer's concert and his routine was liberally peppered with the word. What are we to make of this? I can at least understand the 'in'-group vs. 'out'-group mentality when it comes to that word. I vehemently disagree with it, but I can at least find a debatable point in it. But I'm sorry, you can't defend the use of 'ho' or 'bitch' or any of the misogynistic language that frequently flows over the airwaves no matter how affectionate you think somebody is being when they say it. Even when the words are edited, they're still there and when we buy the CDs, we can hear the lyrics in their original unspoiled splendor.

Of course the issues are deeper than the media we consume, but let's not act like these things aren't a huge part of the problem. When I taught middle school I never had to admonish a student for rapping/singing the transcript from Don Imus's show. Some would argue that it doesn't matter that Sharpton and Jackson are themselves hypocrites and that Imus needs to be punished regardless of who put him on the hot seat. Imus says as much himself. A person might go on to say just because we hear these things all the time in black popular culture, other's are not granted license to indulge in the same vulgar behavior. Two wrongs don't make a right after all, but let's not act like these two wrongs are even remotely equal.

Wow.